"Ever since I killed her kid she be actin' shady." Actual quote overheard at Marine World just now. Oh God.
is it cool if i come over and use your computer?
what happened to yours?
i got a little to drunk last night and threw up on it...then i tried to wash it off under the sink.
I am tired of kissing girls with mustaches.
My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
You were humming mission impossible as we ran from the cops
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
btw, do you remember scaling that porch last night?
Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.
Cock is NEVER random. You may quote me on that.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
Let this be a lesson to you, parmesan cheese crumbles are not a good substitute for coffee creamer, no matter how high you are
Randomize
