It was like getting head from an anaconda
After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
masturbating on the freeway is more stressful than it sounds
How weird would it be to ask your bro to 3d print your dick for me
Someone took a shit in the house somewhere and I STILL can't find it. I'm just going to move.
Egg rolls and cum. Not my worst snack.
Dude!! Who the fuck glued Cheetos to my couch? Bastards!!
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
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