So it wasn't until I came that he pointed out the glow in the dark plastic star still stuck to my forehead. Fun times.
No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
Probably shouldn't have worn my jeans covered in blood from last night to class.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
just did a beer bong in the shower while i was taking an actual shower its officially football time
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Had a dream that you were held at gun point. But I killed the guy. Then we embraced in the biggest hug while everyone around us clapped... Kinda how I imagine our wedding...
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
I accidentally told my mom "the reason I didn't answer your call is because my phone was in my pants, on the floor"
The cop busted in, made the music stop, and goes "GUYS LISTEN UP! DRINK, DO DRUGS, HAVE UNPROTECTED SEX, I DONT GIVE A FUCK, JUST QUIET DOWN!" Best. Cop. Ever.
The couple in the apartment next to mine are both opera singers. I’m never sure if I’m hearing them banging or doing vocal warm-ups.
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