My friends, they love my intelligence
Fuck 8am classes
Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes
Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"
it got awkward when she realized that our nickname for her was "The Hambeast"
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight
theyll ask where you are and ill say on a date crying in a sombrero
like that time i did too much ghb at gay pride
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.
Is it morally wrong to give today's hookup a Krispy Kreme from yesterday's hookup or is it just fat love?
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
He asked me what I wanted for Christmas. I told him an orgasm would be nice.
DO NOT TRY TO APPROACH HER CAT. IT IS A DEMON CAT FROM SATAN'S BALLS AND IT *WILL* TRY TO KILL YOU. I SPEAK FROM EXPIRENCE.
Hey now one little girl thought it was cool I was covered in blood. Apparently according to her Mom she wants to be a surgeon when she grows up
He sent me a picture of his cock that seemed to indicate that we were still on good terms.
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