i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
She saved the condom from the first time we did it.
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.
couldn't find my pants so i stole a pair of shorts from the passed out kid in the corner.
Petty good. I just stapled a 5 dollar bill onto the chest of a sword swallower.
You made out with two different species that night
Question: If I got in a car accident and lost my memory of us, would you work your way back just so we could be fuck buddies again?
I'm watching The Vow and just need to know that I'm loved in some way
I just figured out the time exactly by how many shots and beers that I've had since this morning. I either have a terrible problem, or a great solution.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Is there like a dick file on me? Guys can't hold two dicks anymore?! Who are you people????
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
And it's settled. 10 months is the appropriate amount of time before having the dick pic discussion.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
It's decided. Tomorrow I'm getting a Big Mac and a Dildo
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