how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
It started with Hannah Montana and ended with alcoholism.
Are you trying to threaten my boobs?
Dude I'm drinking a martini out of a water bottle, I've become my parents.
I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.
Just found puke on my backpack while sitting in class. It's like this weekend won't leave me alone.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
People...there is no better feeling in the world than finding out via Google that your ex has a warrant out for his arrest. No better feeling.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I'm good. We walked you back to my apartment and you demanded to eat the sandwich I made for him
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
Yeah well, last time I said I wasn't having a big night I was being strangled in somebody's spare bed
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
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