does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Just ate cheeseit crumbs off the floor. i feel like Kirstie Alley.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday
I'm being fed tequila grapes by a girl on stilts...
Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
GOOD NEWS I CAN BRING THE VODKA IN MY LUGGAGE
It's all fun and games until you rupture a testicle
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
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