He uses pillows to masturbate.
Why do you apologize after every time we have sex?
dude, she was giving me a lapdance and her thong had a skid mark. no I did not hit it.
i've decided to use this saturday afternoon to take care of my pube situation
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.
At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Why did I wake up in bed with the ironing board and a Mariah Carey mask? Vodka hates me
Oh and sorry for almost killing all of us last night... twice...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
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