he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.
We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.
thats because you have standards... and i have a thing for guys that give me free drugs.
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
Well, thats the first guy to go to jail because of my vagina
Post that event on your timeline
I'm getting married
To pizza
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
I was sleeping and woke up in the bathroom already puking like i slept walk. Perrrrrrfect.
Nothing screams "crazy cat lady" like a nursery in your house when you're over 30, single and have no kids.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
the voting booth dude cock blocked me or she woulda totally blown me in the voting booth.
Randomize
