I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?
I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I think I am calling out of work due to a hangover. I'm 96% sure there ISN'T tampon stuck inside me.
Just remember, if we get caught, you're deaf and I don't speak English.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
Have you ever been up at one in the morning and thought to yourself, "I do not know nearly enough about penguin reproduction"?
I am on my way right now and I SWEAR TO GOD IF YOU EAT MY BURRITO YOU WILL NEVER SEE MY TITS AGAIN
Leave it to you to bring a trash can into a fist fight.
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
I was supposed to see Marcus tonight and he cancelled. Listen, I shaved my butt hole. Somebody is getting this WAP 😂😂😂😂
I need to go to St. Louis more often. The brides sorority sisters were practically fighting over me once they heard I work on Wall St.
Randomize
