VAGINAS EVERYWHERE
they're staring at me
i left the bar a little after you and ended up flipping my car in the arbys drive thru
i thought he was 22...he said he was 25..he was 19...im 26..it doesnt count if you dont know right?
While at warped tour today a girl was crowd surfing and her vagina landed in my face, I call that a successfull day.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
I couldn't tell if they ere dancing or fucking but they won the costume contest
i spent my morning giving relationship advice to the kid i had sex with on a kitchen table this weekend
You stole a fry from a complete stranger. He wasn't happy. Then you said fuck it and stole the whole poutine and ran down the street while he stared in shock.
He probably thinks you're playing hard to get.
Hard to get?? I'm playing leave me the fuck alone.
You can't talk like Dr. Evil to me five minutes after the greatest orgasm of my life.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Apparently today is power bottom appreciation day
Knew i was going to puke. So i grabed a bowl out of the kitcken in the dark before bed...Ended up puking into a spaghetti strainer...
Vodka, MiraLAX and Gatorade are perfect for the night before a colonoscopy
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