What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.
The homeless ppl in LA are great. Theres sum guy that makes all of his clothes out of tighty whitey underwear. He makes bags out of them 2. Presumably 2 hold more underwear.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
I cant tell which is worse. That its only my third time doing laundry this year or that its the first time ive done it sober.
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
Your face; I've seen enough of it for today. Go away now please.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
