Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
You better be making out with him cause we're sitting here with this awkward british girl watching videos of goats singing maroon five
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
It's gay pride, I'm in my EMT uniform getting more girls than your straight ass ever will..
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
Just wiped the ashes off my forehead before he came over to have sex. Definitely going to hell.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
He did a backflip because drugs
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