So I'm stoned for 420, and have an eye doctor appointment in fifteen minutes
Are your eyes okay
I mean if I was Asian they would be
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
He had Homeward Bound on VHS how was I supposed to not fuck him
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
Tell me why i have 60 matches in 72 hours on tinder. Can i sell my tinder account like people used to sell their myspace pages and tumblrs when they had a lot of followers? Is that a thing?
I woke up with a shot glass nestled between my boobs like a baby bird.
can you tell me why i woke up in a diaper and combat boots?
not only did I call my ex crying but drunk me also deleted the phone log so I had no warning when I saw him in class
That's nice of you to be concerned, but I'm pretty confident I'll marry someone 30 years older than me, ride out being the trophy wife for 10 or 15 years, then live large!
Randomize
