I swear coke makes your nose hairs grow out of control
Since when is my name a synonym for head?
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
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someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.
Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.
Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.
A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
i had a mental breakdown over a math asignment proposed to a glass of chocolate milk then burned my hands when i acidentally leaned on the stove i have the grill marks burned on my hands i can see them
its only been 20 minuts since i last saw you
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Imagine the quality of nudes you could send with a selfie stick
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
My last Google search was 'can an impotent man have sex'. I don't even want to know what I did with that guy.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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