I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
All I have in my fridge is chocolate cake, pizza, spicy mayo sauce, beer, and weed. I love college
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
I've decided to be proactive and make a sex playlist on my phone to avoid any awkward moments in my upcoming slutty summer
I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?
Hows that studying goin for you?
I'm in my bathtub in a robe and jeans smoking a bowl and my hair is covered in olive oil
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
That moment when you realize the hot british guy named rory you drunkenly made out with at a bar is American, is named Tyler, and has a girlfriend.
I smoked all his weed and he hasn't noticed yet. But I might need a place to crash when he does
Dude I just realized i did a camper walk of shame in front of amish people. I should have asked for cheese and a home made pie to cover it up. Im just lost shopping in amish country nothing to see here
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
Randomize
