he promised me brunch in the morning so i felt like it was ok....i really need to get a job.
I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.
Can we comment on the fact that at five thirty this morning, security woke me up in the hotel lobby, in my underwear, and some random guys winter coat?
I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard
he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
Did you get your crutches off the street sign?
Im going..... Drinking all day and hand jobs from 18yr old emo rich girls that are just trying to get back at mom and dad for being to protective...SOLD
some people popped out of a houseboat and asked us to their party. their houseboat IS A WEEDBOAT. it is full of weed they grow weed. EVERYWHERE.
So I found out me and this guy I was drinking beer with tonight both got lactated on by the same stripper. We're milk brothers.
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
Just learned a valuable lesson today. Don't open snap chats from 3 am the next morning while sitting next to a small child. They totally saw your dick.
I'm really ok with inappropriate relationships. They are my favorite of all the relationships. No need to be timid. For crying out loud.
Broke my ankle and blacked out on my scooter last night. 'Twas grand.
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
Randomize
