My scrabble letters just formed failure. Thanks God.
thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.
Should we discuss the rug burns on my back or just save that for a separate conversation
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just in case you were wondering..... I really did just wave goodbye to you with my penis.
You rubbed your penis on my leg and said "people have paid for this kind of action"
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
Do the molecules within bourbon change when mixed with a cola to form a superior liquid treat?
You decided it was too difficult to walk down the stairs so you just rolled across his kitchen floor laughing like a maniac and trying to drink at the same time
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
Do you think there are other mothers looking at porn in the carpool line?
He's a douche. But I like the way he chokes me.
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