happy early fathers day!!!
im not a father
about that...
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Can we go to Home Depot next week? Drunk Kim broke my toilet with a hammer.
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You took a bite of the snack wrap put it down and fell asleep and when you woke up ten minutes later you asked how it got there, dipped it in soda ate it and fell back asleep.
Randomize
