Um, that's called prostitution
Not if I leave it on the nightstand, then it's called cab money
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.
Its so hard looking at my mom and pretending I'm not dying a slow death of binge drinking
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
I know this is super early in advance but can I borrow your horse mask on 4/20
he keeps various drugs in his kitchen cupboard like groceries. that is my new life goal as an adult.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
I hope the lord has blessed you with many tampons, child.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
Randomize
