ask if his dick looks like a sausage. alex's bro told me that's a sure sign. btw took pain pills. maybe shouldn't listen to me.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
walked right past julianne moore (on her walk of shame this morning) god i love new york. :)
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.
On a side note Tyler is buying beer from a gas station in a panda suit priceless
No I did not just post a Craigslist ad for a used stripper pole because I can't afford my own. But now that you put the idea in my head I might have to.
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
Can I just lay in bed and you pour vodka through a funnel in my mouth?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
Hey, what's a nice way of saying "Why'd you send me a picture of your boobs last night" without seeming ungrateful?
I don't want my vagina anymore.
Just threw up mid-poop. I can't drink like I used to.
please don't ironically join a cult
Randomize
