Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
Just saw truck nuts on a handicap conversion van
i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
i feel like my life has become an afroman song and idk whether i should be sad about that or not
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
Cool, so I just walked in on my grandfather checking his prostate in the kitchen.
I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.
I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
I'd have paid money to see Cookie Monster playing with a vibrator
We went camping and met these lesbians and now I have S'mores where there shouldn't be S'mores.
I explained to him that me turning straight is a once a year thing. And this boy just happens to be the chosen one.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
You fell asleep while I was sucking your dick
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