I think my hot accountant is wearing banana republic. I miss the days when that ='ed gay. Signals are so confusing now.
Oh my god. I opened up my microwave and there was a pile of bacon in it. It's like my mother knew I'd be hungover.
He just asked if I would make his black snake moan. Dating basketball players is not worth the glory
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."
You went through my pantry and left one of everything in the box. One cracker. One cheesit. One piece of cereal. I really fucking hate you.
id one day like to live in a world full of emotionless and wonderfully fullfilling sex...
Looks like he unfriended you too. I feel like we were both just handed negative pregnancy tests.
this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.
Afterwards I drank a whole bottle of cake vodka in the bathtub while he was bawling his eyes out. Hands down weirdest hookup I've ever had.
I just want to get drunk and not have to worry about you leaving me at the bar.
I should buy myself lingerie for Valentine’s Day instead of a present for you because I am the present
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
Randomize
