Do you have swine flu?
I know my taste in men is not always top notch; however, I don't sleep with swine.
Pigs, yes. Swine, no.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
Do you think the guy at the front desk was watching us last night? Although we were in a public pool, therefore our tits were free game.
Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.
I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.
After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road
You shouted "FUCK SHANIA TWAIN" and then downed an Aquafina bottle of white wine none of us knew how to react
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
You attempted what you called the "Long Island Heist", in which you shoved a half glass of Long Island down your pants and asked me to help you sneak it out. That drunk.
AHHHHHHHHH. I LEFT A GLASS NEXT TO ME WHEN I FELL ASLEEP I'M SO SURE IT WAS WATER BUT NOW IT'S VODKA JESUS MADE A STOP
His fucking flight got canceled because the president stopped at the airport he was flying out of... Fuckin Obama literally just cock blocked me
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
I went to Walmart last night to buy some CDs--which is a sentence I never thought I'd say in 2016.
Sorry i ignored you for so long. I think my vibrator is broken.
First aid class means get dry humped by moderately attractive college students during heimlich maneuver training.
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