im never drinking mad dog again and i have your belt.
So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.
I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.
Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Cats found the secret coke stash again
They owe us $80.
ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
we panicked because we couldn't find you anywhere, but then we found you tripping in the bathtub with Marie's cat. there was no water. you thought there was water, though.
I hummed the theme from jaws while she was taking the pregnancy test....needless to say she was not pleased
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