True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.
Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.
I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.
my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night
Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..
Tonight just try not to threaten to pee on the hot guys buying us drinks....please..
I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.
I'm going to make out with someone. I'm on a mission. I don't even care if I'm wearing beer goggles. As long as he's not shorter than me, gay, or a woman.
Oh and no more ball pics to my family. Got in a little trouble over that. They have no sense of humor.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
Yeah play it cool maybe put in a kissy face though let him know you're giving an invitation for his dick
Everyone says I win the strip club
Once you jizz in someones hat, you cant take it back.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
