So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.
i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...
God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
she genuinely believed that kangaroos are a cross between a deer and a T-rex
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
Just spilled a coffee mug full of scolding hot oatmeal on my bare dick. Hope you're having a good Friday night too.
I just woke and boke and made apple pancakes. I'm kicking Monday in the dick.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Sorry about my sloppy drunk texts. I'm not sure talking about banging a near dead Jimmy Stewart was my finest moment
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I know I joke about running from my problems a lot but I'm 3 miles off-campus and need a ride
I'm shrooming way too hard to deal with your bullshit at this particular point in time
Randomize
