I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds
just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.
just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.
I dont think yelling "Grab your dicks, time for pics!" helped your case either.
When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
You had to dry your pants with the hand dryer in the bathroom because you "forgot to take it out."
I promise not to pretend to be Jesus and take the wheel. But to my credit you shouldn't be saying that while I'm that drunk and we are in a car.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
Haha idk you were stealing pizza dough at dominos
Randomize
