On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
maybe if i keep dancing i won't throw up
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
Sometimes things go your way and sometimes you get hit on by a fat drunk girl.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
I love birth control. How's that for a Facebook status on valentines day.
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I got unbelievably drunk yesterday, need some time off. Apparently pulling your balls out to make your buddy's girlfriend miss beerpong shots is frowned upon.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
We both know we're cheating on one another. But our side pieces aren't as kinky as us...so yeah, we're still together. This is a fucked up relationship.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm about to go get lunchables and alcohol. Take that adulthood
There were a lot of gay moments in between the Strippers and coke
Randomize
