we are at a mexican restaurant and the tv is playing mexican porn. dad won't stop watching.
Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I feel like I got hit by a truck made out of Jack Daniels.
she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness
Lindsay lohan: road to jail is on E tonight. Bring vodka we are not missing an opportunity to make a drinking game out of this
man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
I'm helping my Mormon ex boyfriend from high school embrace his inner cross dresser. This is truly god's work.
Last night you told me to stop being Martha Stewart and asked if I had Taco Bell in my house
I'm gonna go to bars and pick up women hopped up on democracy.
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
The feeling are messing with the penis
He also complimented my butt. High praise coming from a boob guy.
I'm glad there seems to be a general consensus regarding your ass
Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell