Everyone knows that the fastest route to a corporate advancement is to take a shot in the mouth
I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.
Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?
like it was yesterday
aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"
He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.
I have no idea where I am, where my pants are, there is cheese stuck to my ass.. Why do I have your phone?
shot for shot with some guy twice your age to prove Detroit hustles harder then you left with him. We're tracking you
When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.
You were sitting on the filthy kitchen floor eating a packet of grated cheese, and you were crying because you couldn't find any cheese.. I'd say our party was a success.
Her fortune said that she will soon be free. She's taking her bra off at the table.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
She showed up ready for sex all night.. with waters and a meat and cheese tray
Remind me to talk to you about nipple clamps.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Someone puked in my crockpot. Your friends can’t come over any more.
He sent me a text saying his breakfast today was leftover mead and some fruit salad
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