blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?
One day this summer I just wanna get blown under the hot sun all day.
Deal. Roof-top 69 on Saturday, July 20th. I've got it in my calendar.
I heard you coughing. Are you choking or smoking? And are you okay?
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Just looked for hours for the remote. Found it in my purse. I need to drink less.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Bitch got stabbed in the eye. With a fork. Wait for it... At church. I was the only one at a party interested in her story. Only in the south
Then you fell out of your chair, looked right at me and said, "You are sooo drunk."
Randomize
