I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
The party tonight has no theme but I decided to go as a home wrecker.
just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.
And don't worry, my exact words were "I can't believe a baby came outta that thing"
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
The topic of sex in the jamba banana suit has come up on multiple occasions. We're just waiting for a moment to try it out.
We're Scorpios. We're like dogs rolling in whatever smells good to us.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Executive order 941: BRING ME THE FINEST PANCAKES!
You have got to stop watching the West Wing before going out.
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
