Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives
Welp...herpes.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
The line was so long at Kum n Go some guy opened & drank 2 beers from his 12 pack while waiting.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"
Well no need to be a stranger, even if you aren't interested in joining my bisexual polygamist marriage. New city, new friends.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Blood work from physical was all good, apparently heavy alcohol use agrees with me
Everyone's going out for thirsty Thursday and I'm just like. Cool. Enjoy yourself. I'm gonna eat an entire pizza and watch King of Queens reruns.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Randomize
