Me too. Send a cab. Order food.
you remind me of a slightly lless slutty bristol palin
and you remind me of a slightly less retarded levi johnston
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!
I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
So it turns out that my mom and her dad used to hook up when they were our age
Never been so glad that I look so much like my dad that there's no question as to my paternity
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
I sent you a snap of me in the bath, and you sent me a snap of a taco. An actual taco.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
I WANT GRASS AND TREES NOT SOMEONE SWINGING A SWORD AROUND
Randomize
