even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Everything is bigger in Texas. Including Colt's vagina.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina
She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
He made me twerk for scrambled eggs... I regret nothing
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
Apparently I blacked out and started wrestling with some dude last night. Just found out I might have dislocated his shoulder. Best part: he still wants to bone me
Just in case the world ends tomorrow, I have an emergency contact group of booty calls I can send a quick "let's fuck" to before I die.
Omfg I just White Claw shamed a Girl Scout Cookie mom and I feel SO BAD.
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