So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.
So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail
Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.
EMERGENCY FRIEND CRISIS: WE HAVE TOO MUCH WHISKEY. ABORT HANGING OUT WITH MELISSA, RECOMMEND TO HANG OUT WITH OUR WHISKEY INSTEAD
You mistakenly try to piss in a cactus bush ONE TIME and are forever dubbed cactus ass
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
It's a good thing you're straight. You'd make a horrible lesbian.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
The way I see it, there's 2 types of friends. Those you should do drugs with, and those you really,really shouldn't.
I feel like people expect me to always be a sarcastic, shade throwing drunk. And you know me, I hate to disappoint.
I woke up, topless, my car was parked funny so I threw on my hoodieto go fix it and found a jello shot in my pocket. where did I go last night?!
I just got baptized.
Drunkenly skinny dipping in a indoor hotel pool is not okay and does not count as a baptism.
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
Randomize
