Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
I got tired of walking to the bathroom that I decided to throw up in a cup. I now have 3 cups full of vomit on top of my mini fridge
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want
When did we convert life to cartoon?
If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.
I think I may be the only girl in the world that can say she has fallen asleep grasping a penis..... 3 different times...... 3 different penises
nana can keg stand better than me. should i be proud?
I only had ten dollars. So leave it to Katie to somehow makeout with the bartender, on his shift mind you, and get free drinks.
the fact that you have a guy named the "i want you to tie me up and fuck me" guy speaks volumes about your life.
Status: mom bitching about grandma not shutting the fuck up, while not shutting the fuck up. Dear Jesus give me strength or more bourbon.
I also guarantee you multiple orgasams and blueberry pancakes
Randomize
