I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?
they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.
Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Update: I only have one shoe. The other one now belongs to the gods of jello-wrestling. May it rest in peace.
So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?
will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
Just caught myself trying to make grilled cheese with the stove off. I think my dad knows I'm high.
Hey, it's not my fault that you had a shitty bed frame that couldn't handle the rough sex you're into.
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
After 3 parties, all of them busted, and 4 field sobriety tests, I AM the cop whisperer
Randomize
