Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.
WTF?! TAYLOR SWIFT JUST WON ARTIST OF THE YEAR OVER MICHAEL JACKSON?! WHAT IS THIS WORLD COMING TO?!
Took his v-card last night. Yet another experience I didn't expect to have in my thirties.
He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I have a feeling that watching gay porn with you was the reason I was dancing in a hurricane of floating dicks in my dream last night.
she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this
Steve just broke his bong and some kid in an american flag bathing suit and no shirt just fell down the stairs. Its dangerous here
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Katie told the cabby "when the boat docks I'm getting off with you"
I am the kind of drunk to where i can still drive a golf cart
I'm so sorry to hear about your grandmother. Also how many grams are in an eighth?
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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