my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
she tried to handfeed me fritos while yelling "PENIS TRAIN"
I wish there were birth control emojis
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."
Can't tell if its the LSD or if that demon man just stared at my penis. Cleveland is a weird place. All true stories.
Nooo, I ran into two if my exes, both having their engagement parties at the bar. It was like a fucking Eskimo family reunion, but with more tequila.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
You've lost booty call privileges between the hours of 10pm and 8am.
He spent three years trying to get a chance with me and finally broke me down. then he came in two minutes and was so upset he locked himself in the bathroom so I helped myself to his weed and left. Wanna get stoned?
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
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