I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
My astrological sign? Vagitarius.
You broke her grandpas urn and ran your hand through his ashes claiming it was pixie dust. I think thats why shes mad at you..
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.
Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
I found a video of us drunkenly yelling "we wanna be the Pope" as we passed around the blunt
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
Well I mean he still had sex with me after I told him that I play fetch with the kids I take care of, so I'm not really looking too far ahead with him...
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
Eating pizza in the bath tub while watching a romantic comedy alone. I reached a new level of single.
So this morning when I woke up. I found my refrigerator open and no more food. It was empty, I'm home alone for the week. Where in hell did that food go?
Randomize
