Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.
I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M
That's why there are breakfast margaritas.
I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.
Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.
Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
Like I didn't gracefully walk into these feelings. No, I fucking stumbled and fell face fucking first.
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
I'm going to confession for the first time in 6 years. Where do I start, the gay sex or rampant alcoholism?
On a scale of 1-10 how inappropriate is it for me to ask if Walgreens offers teacher discounts when purchasing a Plan B pill?
You have no idea how awkward it is fucking someone with the same name as your dog
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