I am really glad that on the inside of a card from your grandparents you have transcribed the rules for circle of death
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..
He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?
She gained 35 lbs and has an ankle bracelet, time for new booty call.
I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
I just gave her a sobriety test in the middle of the baking aisle.
And the results, officer?
She's fucked.
Drinking Patron always ends with me puking or receiving anal. So make your move when I start ordering it.
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
My breath smells like gin and sadness
Randomize
