Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.
This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I come from a long history of big boobed German, Swedish, and Irish women. And then there's me. Mother nature was like "Naaaaaaah."
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
While he was at a job interview yesterday, I was dropping acid. So that's the aesthetic of our relationship rn.
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
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