Tell me why Im cashing out of Walmart with Smirnoff and catfood
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
Druken naked yoga : jus another ploy to keep your husbands eye in check
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Already at the river; already getting fucked up. And yes that semicolon is legit because those are congruent statemests
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
Where does drinking Flat, warm beer from two days ago rank of the No Fucks Given scale?
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
you could be the only one getting laid right now....yet your sitting in here making goat noises
He told his wife he was too old to pretend to be straight. She tried to argue. He walked two tables over and was like this is my highschool sweetheart and he's an excellent fuck, we're running away together. It was epic.
Fruitcakes are only good for throwing at neo Nazis.
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