in the car goin home for fam dinner and he is silent... i think he realized how big of a whore his little sister is
he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.
You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?
Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss
I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.
That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.
You kept mumbling that you could become one with the carpet as you proceeded to give yourself the worst carpet burn I have ever seen
TOPLESS DRIVE THRU! I have no money and my dignity is at an all time low.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
His wife isn’t coming to the wedding! I’ve got 48 hours to home wreck him. Gotta go, I have to shave my vajayjay and buy some really slutty underwear. Love you!
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