i was so high i thought his mole came off and was flying around
Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Using Dr. Seuss quotes to ask me how badly I want your penis is not appropriate.
You know those ponds where you go and pay $5 and your guarranteed to catch a fish thats how i describe her
Im sure that doesnt mean its ruined... It was your bithday you get a free "im drunk at 7 am" card
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
I'm one ex away from doing an entire victory lap of all of the guys I've hooked up with since second semester of freshman year. Single me is scary.
The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.
Now I'm heckling that my belch is more exciting than their fireworks and I peed down the driveway.
I just stabbed open a can of Spaghetti Os with a spork. Who says I cant take care of myself?
I feel like the universe head butted me in my balls. That hungover.
.... My lady balls. Cuz I'm a lady.
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
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