so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up
I don't understand why some guys want to have a huge conversation while standing at the urinal with cock in hand...
Ambien does the same to me. One time that I took it, I got this huge bowl of spaghetti out of the fridge and thought it was a castle and that the meatballs were little slaves. I ate all of them first and then the noodles were the soldiers and the sauce was the water in the moat. And when I finished, I fell up the stairs and threw it all up.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
Nothing like the It's a Small World ride at Disneyland to remind you to take your birth control. I took it on the boat yesterday
Passing out on a toilet is not classy no matter what you're wearing. Not even a pea coat.
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
I've peed outside too many times in just this past week
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Of course my parents remember you. You showed them your tits
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