saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
I just saw a guy wearing a tuxedo shirt under his overalls. That is true iowa class right there
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....
no memory loss, but i'm unhappy with my memories
I woke up wearing a cow costume. I'm not even gonna try to recall what happened last night.
when are you leaving homes?
it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51
I had a sex dream about Oprah.
go back to sleep
dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.
we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
Well I consider my vagina a dear friend. She treats me good I treat her good. We work together. Glad we could be of service.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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