so i was supposed to be to work at 8..but its 9:15 and im currently standing stoned in the middle of holiday...with a bag with three doughnuts, two redbulls, and a slim jim..
god i miss watching you do this...
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka
What I thought it would be sexy pouring melted chocolate down here chest, ended up in second degree burns. Hot food and sex do not mix.
By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.
That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
I like using largw condoms because they are more comfortable but also I feel bad because it's like false advertisement
Sex on acid. Try it. I thought we were fucking in outer space with fireworks inside a rocketship car. Best.
I'm at a restaurant. I am NOT about to discuss my asshole over the phone.
The band last night was really good
That was definitely karaoke. Guess that answers my follow up question on how drunk you were.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
Day one of being single and I've came three times. I can get used to this.
I'm laying in my bed in the fetal position with a bag of frozen peas on my head and the bathroom trashcan next to me. Fucking tequila.
Randomize
