I'm trying to bond with my sister... Its like getting to know a person I never met that I don't like
She's in the bathroom crying cuz she can't get the condom out of her giner. Do you have tongs?
Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
there was a fucking fire juggler. but it was ok bc i was in the kiddie pool and it was the safe zone
let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.
So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...
I woke up with a russian doll attached to my necklace and a post-it note with "keep babushka safe" written on it. Fuck vodka
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
I found you walking along the street hammered. You walked up said hi and handed me a beer.
When someone's woman crush wednesday is an ultrasound of her unborn daughter...
I can't
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Randomize
