Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
I just walked in on my sixteen year old sister soaking her tampon in vodka. I go to Berkeley. And they think she's the good daughter.
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
He gave me the award for most entertaining blow job. That should count for something.
Fucked a kid by the name of your hometown tonight... FOR THE WIN.. BF4L
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
He wins the giant teddy bear for getting the neuva ring on the dick
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
He has the fingertips of a God
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