I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
She was raised with a wonderful home life. I can't do anything with that.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.
Day drunk and a can of soup and wine straight from the bottle and alone and on my kitchen floor.
My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.
Why?
Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
I'm ok. I've got the pantsless-with-dignity thing down pat
Whiskey dick is like insurance for making bad decisions
My last 2 google image searches were 'a lot of pudding' followed by 'a generous portion of pudding'
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
I think I got into an argument with my cat's former owner about what a BDSM relationship entails.
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
I found your birth control, it was in your Crown Royal bag.
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