I just told someone i was in "addition and subtraction 160".......and they believed me.
.....then i was kicked out of my work christmas party......
She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
Apparently I also called my credit card company to demand a credit limit increase. I'm so content with not drinking another 60 days
she was puking red wine out the car window, telling me about how shes joining weight watchers tomorrow, not okay.
If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
White girls? They're everywhere. In packs. Drunk white girl packs.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
I don't really want to talk about it, but if anyone finds my unicorn mask with my bra in it, I would really like that back.
So I woke up alone in the hotel room clutching a bible to my chest. Explain, please.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
He fingerfucked me in the hot tub and then we had sex in the wine cellar. See thats why I like partying with rich people
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
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