I can't get in trouble, i'm smoking a bong in the office right now
we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
New Jersey isn't a real state, it's just a myth you tell little kids to scare them like Canada or Carrot Top
I replied to the university automated mass text about the armed robbery at the on-campus Starbucks with a sad face. Basically sums up my night.
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
She made me sing happy birthday to myself at the urinal.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I will always remember today as the day I narrowly escaped having to touch a tiny penis
i need to stop celebrating other people's birthdays like they are m own.. my body can't handle a birthday every week
I can't blame him for thinking that then, placing a cone shaped potato chip on the tip of his penis post bj is not a normal act of love
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
He let me eat chexmix while we fucked... I think I love him.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
Just do what I do and listen to your vagina. She’ll growl when she smells good dick
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