Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
Yeah dude I should be out of the ER in about an hr. They gave me vallium. Go tell the captain its time to set sail.
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.
So when this rash is gone wanna hang out?
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
You'll be pleased to know I just had an elaborate day dream about your penis. you were there too.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Randomize
